Random Rant on Parenting

bismillah

aku dan random bukan sesuatu yang asing
jadi, hari ni aku nak buat satu post yang kinda random sebab lately I've been thinking about it
p.s: this post might be annoying for some, because of my Manglish, but whatever
last night, no, earlier this morning I watched Kids Baking Championship on Food Network
obviously that was the only channel that I can tolerate when I'm at home
so it was actually a finale for those three kids 
which one of them would be crowned as Kids Baking Championship Season 6 (if I'm not mistaken)
that little girl name was Paige and she was 11 years-old

perhaps you guys still wondering what is so random about this post
please read until the end, and you'll know
the moment when the judges screaming Paige's name, I was in that awe moment
maybe more to "awwwhhhh" moment
which almost happy, sad, jealous, all in one
I mean, she's only 11, and won about USD 25K for what she's passionate about
while me? 26 years-old, sitting there and looking so pathetic 
not that I'm not grateful for my life
but it could have been better, right?
it always can be better than what I have right now

even when I'm watching Ninja Warriors, sometimes I get that feeling too
I'm jealous of how the contestants' families cheer for their loved one
Restaurant Impossible? that will always make my eyes teary
although some of them were underpaid, overworked, and even had a fight with each other
but at least they are still together to pursue the same dream
get it now?

once upon a time, when I was a little girl
I used to admire those in uniform
because people respect the uniform more than the people itself
growing up, I was forced to do things that kids my age wouldn't be able to do it
but I can because I was being told that I'm not like the other kids
and somehow I blame that for taking away few inches from my height
because if I had that ideal height, being in military or police is the first thing I'd do
but I can't because I'm obviously too short to enlist and people like to make fun of my height  
other than that, no one in my family, especially woman, ever be in that field

you know, this random post is actually to highlight that
sometimes family or maybe parents can be your dream crusher too
perhaps your parents wanted you to be a teacher because they are teachers
some of parents always pushing their kids to get a place in government sector because they used to be government's servant
they know the perks being one, and the probability of not being fired for whatever bullshit you'll do
I mean, why, as a parent, anyone would force their kids to go through whatever they have been through?
we live this life differently
and our paths will never be the same no matter how hard you try
because at the end of the day, are you happy with that?
as cliche as it gets, some might answer with "as long as my parents happy, I'm more than happy"

happiness is nothing to do with what others feel about you 
your happiness matter and even if you're trying so hard to please people around you
they will always compare you to someone better
and you will always struggling to find that happiness
if that is your definition of happiness, carry on
little did we know, those who are struggling to make others happy
they are really, really, really lonely inside 
it's like they have a hole inside their heart
and nothing can fill the void as long as they rely on that definition of happiness

ever watched 3 Idiots where Aamir Khan is the lead role?
yes, that is how our society is
always trying to mold our kids to become what we cannot be
never ask what are they want to be
it sucks you know?
having your own dream, and your own parents didn't gave their blessing
I mean, it's more heartbreaking that the parents never listen to their own kids
and goes around telling people that they know their kids better
while when at home, the kids always in their own room 
not even spending time together
right, if that is what "I know my kids better"
I have no argument because I'm not a parent yet
and to be one, I know, it's hard
emotionally, mentally, spiritually tiring
that is why I think that I'm not fit to be a parent
well, at least for now
because I don't want my kid(s) to feel whatever feeling that I've been through

I want to be there with them, no matter what situation it is
I want they love me more than they love their friend
I want to always be their ears to listen to how their days going
and I want that they will always remember me 
even if I'm dead, they still reliving the memories of me
I want that kind of bond, love, and appreciation
and for that, I won't go against whatever they want to be
as long as I'm the first person they're letting know whatever they have been through
as long as they remember that we will be together till forever and hereafter

maybe I'm being ridiculous
but whatever
I don't want to be a dream crusher 
if you can't support, at least bless them 
pray for their best, be there with them
be it their recital or just a friendly match for their soccer team
shout it out loud that they have your support no matter what people say
either they are winning or losing, it doesn't matter
what matter is you are there with them, for every moment
kids remember every single thing
and it will be their core memory
which always be in their mental image of what kind of person you are
you'll surely set an example in their mind that one day they want to be like you 
or maybe better, and who knows if you'll live long enough to see you grand kids?

what I'm trying to say is love begin at home
kids is the consequences of act of love, right?
some may not, but God forbid, I hope they will be loved
unloved kids will grow up thinking that they are just a burden, unwanted, and unappreciated
some might become heartless, emotionless 
some might become too fragile to handle
life is already hard
just don't make it hard for your kids by denying their need of your love
and when you're old, you blame them because they ignore you
remember, you ignored them first

till then
I'm sorry if I'm too random, being so sensitive
y'know what I mean
take care, stay healthy, and stay safe everyone!