Bismillah

Please enjoy the video first before reading

Haa, meremang tak? 

Terharu tak?

Ah, tak apalah

Aku yang berpanas hujan ribut petir sebelum hari kejadian

Video tu terhasil setelah almost two weeks we've been training

Practice makes perfect kata orang

It's been 16 days since I've been commissioned as 2nd Lieutenant
Or in another word is Leftenan Muda PSSTUDM 
After 13 days of suntanning sessions, I am with the 38th Batch that will be commissioned

This year, we were commissioned by HRH Crown Prince of Johor, Major General Tunku Ismail Ibni Sultan Ibrahim
I am beyond thankful to ALLAH
As our days of training have been so cloudy, rainy and not-so-sunny
Even during the day of our commissioning parade, the weather was very calming
And I'm not going to lie that I am crying a little when HRH Crown Prince of Johor mentioned that he is commissioning us as Pegawai in ATM (Angkatan Tentera Malaysia) on the behalf of His Majesty Yang DiPertuan Agong



I'm in no place to be proud of myself if it wasn't for people around me that has always been there for me
First and foremost, HIM and my family
Even there's time Mr Ayahumi questioning me about the training and what can I do after I graduate
Well, I thank HIM so much that some of my plans weren't going to drain
There's some, but yeah
Why should we focus on negative things that we couldn't change?

And now, here I am
Listening to Linkin Park radio on Spotify
Because I felt quite down lately
Maybe it's just hormone, I don't know

I've been feeling all these feeling for a while now
Helpless, unknowingly missing something and someone, and I just wanna cry myself out

I miss those training days where I have no time to feel this kind of feelings
Where I used to laugh with my squad who loves to make fun of each other
But with no hard feelings, we laughed at each others' stupid jokes
Done with training, and sometimes this kind of feeling surrounds me
Suffocating me with the indescribable feeling

Perhaps when I signed up to be a part of ATM
I'm actually paving the way to unfold myself
To be vulnerable yet indestructible
To be someone that looks tough
But deep inside, fragile and was made of glass all the way through
Maybe that was the side effects after been training like some kind of animal
Heartless, savage, and violent
To cover that we all are delicate, needed attention and care
And mostly, need to be loved

I'm sorry this entry became too emotional
Because I'm in a state of confusion
I'm excited and missed my training days very dearly
But all I feel right now is alone in the crowd
With Linkin Park's songs in my ear
I feel the world doesn't agree with me
But I don't really care
I just want to live, day by day
Because I'm too tired to live helpless like this
I just want to rest

That's it
Ampun maaf dunia akhirat
I'm sorry

Bismillah

In a few days, I won't be here
I mean, I'll join the training
For commissioning after three years being cadet officer
I am so excited yet so nervous
There are so many things I've been thinking about lately
Regarding this event and almost everything



Being a cadet officer was my very own decision
Well, people said, "to be or not to be"
You choose, right?
So I chose to be a cadet officer not long after I entered university
Actually, I was tempted by the allowance that they promised
Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-ching baby!
Little did I know, blood, sweats and tears are the foundation of that "ka-ching"
Also, I were too lazy to join any other extra co-curricular activities in order to fight for college residence like thousands of students in my university
I don't mind the distance of my college that absurdly far from my faculty
As long as it was walking distance to the shopping mall nearby
And if you imagine I'm spending my weekend hanging out with my friends at that particular shopping mall
You are not wrong, but partly, yes

I spent my weekends very well
With waking up as early as 0430H in the morning
Getting ready in line before our seniors does
Getting punishments for something that too small for normal people to care
God! I swear, during that time, it was really hell
I hated everyone and whatever they did
I told myself that they are so wrong on so many levels
But some part of me, trying to calm me down
And keep on telling me, "this too shall pass", "one day you will miss all of this"
That's what keeps me going strong
I'd be lying if I said it was a smooth journey all the way up until now
No, it was a bumpy and very rocky road, I tell you
There's time, I almost gave myself up
Because from what I see, people never listen to me
Like I don't even exist

And there's my falling time
I were struggling to keep up with the rest of us
I personally really want to thank Nor Hafizah Busman for whatever she did when I was trying to get back after my failing moment
She was the one who accompanied me to that place
We were walking and with no umbrella, we just don't care
I almost lost my way but she was there
God bless her for whatever she did to me

...

to be continued

Bismillah
Tulisan hati yang sekian lama menangis
Mohon air matamu tidak menitis
.
.


02072019

kadang ada keraguan
kadang ada kerisauan
begitu juga kewalahan
dan juga kegelisahan

tapi apa kau tahu?
alasan kau sama seperti dulu
"kau tak pernah nak bagitahu"
mari sini aku beritahu

aku tak mahu bebankan kau
saat aku bercerita mata kau melilau
kau bicara padaku, "jangan kacau"

kau buat aku terkelu
kau jerkah macamlah aku batu
lantas aku pilih untuk membisu
tanpa kau sedar, hatiku mula keras membatu

kutanamkan dalam minda
ku takkan sesakkan jiwa sesiapa
walaupun kau keluarga
kerana siapa mahu bertambah derita
dengan cerita yang menyemak telinga

bila aku semakin dewasa
kau bilang aku kurang ajar
kau kata kelak aku dibalas karma
aku senyum senget saja

kau sedang merasainya
kau saja yang tak sedar
karma kepadamu kerana menyisihkan aku
jadikan hatiku batu
buat lidahku kelu

tapi kau tak mahu tahu
kerana kau rasa karma hanya berlaku
pada yang sedang berlaku
bukan yang sudah berlalu
ah, sudahlah labu
sampai bila pun kau takkan restu
hanya kerana aku bukan kesayanganmu

...

Aku ingatkan nak suruh seseorang nyanyikan
Dalam versi rap ke
Lepas tu intro tu boleh lah dimulakan dengan something like someone have been thinking for too long
Then as the ending, can someone recite doa untuk ibu bapa
Biar meremang sikit hehehehe
At the very end, someone whispers "I love you both, ma, pa" 


Ohemjiii aku excited gilaa
Tapi takde bakat untuk menyanyi huhu

Sekian
Ampun maaf dunia akhirat
gebai

Bismillah

Assalamualaikum dan Salam Aidilfitri 1440H
Sedar tak sedar dah setahun lebih aku tinggalkan dunia blogging
Bukan tak ada benda nak dibebelkan disini
Nak kata terlalu banyak kekangan, tak jugak
Senang cerita, terlalu banyak benda lain aku buat
Berbanding ranting kat sini

Second day interning during my degree year
People expect me to introduce myself to them all, is it?
I'm sorry, but no
First of all, you guys accepted me without letting your superior know about me?
And she was so clueless about me????
Like what the hell?
Secondly, this office was divided into few units and you are sitting there like a tortoise hiding his head inside his shell
My existence needs to be acknowledged by someone who have the power
Besides, who I am to yell "HELLO EVERYONE! I AM YOUR INTERN STUDENT HERE! NICE TO MEET YOU!"
I could but that's only in my mind lah
hahahahaha

Typical Malay working in this sector
Arrived late, going back early
Spent an hour having breakfast at the office's pantry
Fifteen minutes before lunch hour, you're already gone
And fifteen minutes after lunch hour passed, now I see you at your desk
Well, now I can obviously understand why some people so comfortable in this sector
Not all, but there's some

Gaji tetap masuk, kan?
No one to punish or deduct your salary when you're late
Dengan alasan, semua dah dewasa
But some adult needs this kind of enforcement
Because they think the world revolves around them

Luckily I arrived so early today
I had my breakfast with my supervisor and one of the staff
It just 0740 in the morning and they already having breakfast in office's pantry

Yesterday, I was so sad because I was left on my own and nobody even cares to take me to lunch together
Yeah, I know, who am I kidding, right?
I'm just an intern that some of them weren't expect
Diam-diam sudahlah
Mengkaji human behaviour at the office is my new subject
hahahahaha
*tangan ke bahu, mata ke langit*


Aku bersyukur jugaklah aku seolah-olah ghaib dalam dunia selama aku kat pejabat ni
Dan aku juga bersyukur sebab aku punya Maxis Unlimited
Sekurang-kurangnya aku boleh online tanpa menggunakan internet pejabat yang memerlukan authentication blablabla
Pffttt... please laa jangan expect practical student ni nak approach orang
Student can be so shy, you know
You cannot blame a person who is not familiar with the environment
And expect them to blend in just like that
hahahaha
Kelakar

Okay, to whoever yang rasa aku bitter or tak outgoing
Terpulanglah, we are not in the same shoes
So it is really up to you
You are entitled to your own opinion
Because I had mine
And yeah, the world doesn't revolve around us
Just don't feel that what I'm saying is all about negative things
Some people really can see the positive side of what I was said
Adios!

Sekian, ampun maaf zahir batin untuk luahan rasa yang mungkin mengusik jiwa
Kita semua manusia, jadi aku faham itu
Terima kasih kerana membaca