Post Commission Syndrome

Bismillah

Please enjoy the video first before reading

Haa, meremang tak? 

Terharu tak?

Ah, tak apalah

Aku yang berpanas hujan ribut petir sebelum hari kejadian

Video tu terhasil setelah almost two weeks we've been training

Practice makes perfect kata orang

It's been 16 days since I've been commissioned as 2nd Lieutenant
Or in another word is Leftenan Muda PSSTUDM 
After 13 days of suntanning sessions, I am with the 38th Batch that will be commissioned

This year, we were commissioned by HRH Crown Prince of Johor, Major General Tunku Ismail Ibni Sultan Ibrahim
I am beyond thankful to ALLAH
As our days of training have been so cloudy, rainy and not-so-sunny
Even during the day of our commissioning parade, the weather was very calming
And I'm not going to lie that I am crying a little when HRH Crown Prince of Johor mentioned that he is commissioning us as Pegawai in ATM (Angkatan Tentera Malaysia) on the behalf of His Majesty Yang DiPertuan Agong



I'm in no place to be proud of myself if it wasn't for people around me that has always been there for me
First and foremost, HIM and my family
Even there's time Mr Ayahumi questioning me about the training and what can I do after I graduate
Well, I thank HIM so much that some of my plans weren't going to drain
There's some, but yeah
Why should we focus on negative things that we couldn't change?

And now, here I am
Listening to Linkin Park radio on Spotify
Because I felt quite down lately
Maybe it's just hormone, I don't know

I've been feeling all these feeling for a while now
Helpless, unknowingly missing something and someone, and I just wanna cry myself out

I miss those training days where I have no time to feel this kind of feelings
Where I used to laugh with my squad who loves to make fun of each other
But with no hard feelings, we laughed at each others' stupid jokes
Done with training, and sometimes this kind of feeling surrounds me
Suffocating me with the indescribable feeling

Perhaps when I signed up to be a part of ATM
I'm actually paving the way to unfold myself
To be vulnerable yet indestructible
To be someone that looks tough
But deep inside, fragile and was made of glass all the way through
Maybe that was the side effects after been training like some kind of animal
Heartless, savage, and violent
To cover that we all are delicate, needed attention and care
And mostly, need to be loved

I'm sorry this entry became too emotional
Because I'm in a state of confusion
I'm excited and missed my training days very dearly
But all I feel right now is alone in the crowd
With Linkin Park's songs in my ear
I feel the world doesn't agree with me
But I don't really care
I just want to live, day by day
Because I'm too tired to live helpless like this
I just want to rest

That's it
Ampun maaf dunia akhirat
I'm sorry